My Coma Consciousness

2011-10-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

My Coma consciousness has awakened......
But I hate the conscious part of it...
Without that I can feel the real essence of my life
I don't care if that is gonna be void or vanity
All I care about is how fast it can consume me

I was staring at nowhere for so long
Until I realized that it was 'nowhere' that I was staring at
And then I realized 'I shouldn't have realized'
Atleast that nowhere took me out of this killing consciousness

My room is full of closed windows with just a single window opened......
I was keenly waiting for the only door to open........
That single door was the only one I cared about
It was my life force waiting on the other side of the door
I know it will take me out of the hell that I go through

And I don't have much fresh air left to keep me alive until it opens
The single open window was God's gift for my survival......
And it was hard on me to know that the last open window is beginning to close

I just have to keep breathing in my coma with that little hurting consciousness
Hoping to wait for the door to open........
That was the only single thought that would give me a reason to keep breathing
With all the windows closed I should have known what it meant

With every single respiration, I am breathing out toxic air
It will pollute every last bit of fresh air that is left out in my room
And I just know that my life force will soon open the door for me........
Just that I don't know if it will save me or just see me after that little consciousness had dissipated

If there is really a post-apocalytpic world
With a last man standing -
I know what would he go through....
It is not pride or the feeling of safety that he survived against all odds
Definitely not....
It is just the feeling of desperation for something to consume him completely before he knows it

Moments of desparation and moments of hope can't coexist all the time
Most of the time the former takes over
Leaving you to nothing but hopelessness

These are just thoughts of fire
That emerges out of a desparate situation
That can't be explained to anyone

Just wondering... Is there really anyone out there to even explain?
No... Possibly none...

SOLITUDE

2011-08-29T21:06:00.001-07:00

Someone told me once 'Solitude is all we got'
I disagreed immediately
Who knows? - One has to go through it to really know what she meant

It seems to be a smooth criminal

You always know that it is stalking you

You always know that it is gonna hit you

You always know that it is never gonna spare you

Who knows? - It is already holding a knife on your neck waiting from behind for your next move

Ur mind would be nuts
U will go invisible - knowing that nobody is there to look for you
U will shout to gain attention - knowing that nobody is not-so-busy to come for you
U will cover your crying eyes - knowing that nobody is there is to wipe ur tears
Who knows? - U do these expecting someone to come for you knowing that none would

God gave you the life you live
But having no clue on the purpose of your life
What else are you sent here for?
Just a simple thought for others to munch over a cup of coffee
Who knows? - This is the haunting thought that tear your skin off if you are in solitude

You know that it is a sin to take your own life
But still there is this little demon inside you - pestering you
Wagely expecting a drunken driver to hit you
Wagely looking for a dangerous job
Wagely waiting for a natural disaster to kill you
There are thousands who face unexpected death
Why shouldn't it happen when you are really in need of it
Who knows? - what you are facing is worse than these

Your eyes see a crowd - but u see none that you really know
Your ears hear a lot - but no words of real care meant for you
You shake hands a lot - feeling no touch of love
None of this ever met their purpose
Who knows? - Senses die in solitude

You never know how you are left alone in a mall filled with hundreds of ppl
You never know how you are left alone at your workplace filled with thousands of ppl
You never know how you are left alone in a world filled with billions of ppl
Who knows? - the rest of them may have the same question

But still there is some hope........ that little hope of expectation........
The very same hope that a sick old man hoping to wake up the next day to see another day
The very same hope that a surgeon hoping for a miracle to save his patient
The very same hope that a wife expecting her marine husband to come back alive in one piece to hold her hands

Who knows? - This little hope of expectataion is all that holds your soul to your solitary body

All the pain that you face
All the tears that blur your vision
All the stabbing that you feel in your heart
All the craving that you have
All the uncertainity that eats you alive
Everything is tolerated just with the little hope that there is someone still out for you
Is it worth the wait ?

Who knows?........

Dinesh Kumar Ilangovan

My Coma Consciousness

SOLITUDE